I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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