Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
