when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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