There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
