Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
