You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize