the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
