her vagina looked like bernie madoff
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
