You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
did i just pee glitter
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
