I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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