is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
