she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize