sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Randomize
