did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
