last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize