i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
