please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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