I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
