tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
