Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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