i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
