Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
