I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
