I haven't been this sober since birth.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
