i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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