I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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