i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
whose ass print is on the piano?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Randomize
