I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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