My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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