I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He did a backflip because drugs
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
