so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
