I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
