Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
