What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
