Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize