maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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