i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
