so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
