Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
