I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
