I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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