I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
