Pappa wants mamma naked
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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