That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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