Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
