I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
