what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
