ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
