just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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