when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
