It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Small penises have feelings too.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
