i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
