you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
