FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
