Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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