Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
