When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
