Jerry, you need to find god
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Enjoy the penises
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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