And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
