so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
