I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
