The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
